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Thursday, August 18, 2005

Fortune’s 25 Biggest Fools

When it came to foretelling today’s celebrity plague, Nostradamus had nothing on Shakespeare.

by Brian Sack

As a prophet, Nostradamus had nothing on William Shakespeare. Sure, the French seer predicted the A-bomb and the rise of Adolf Hitler (or so this guy at the bar convinced us the other night), but did he give us any warnings about Tom Cruise or Karl Rove? No, it was Shakespeare who cleverly sprinkled his plays with dialogue that foretells today’s celebrity culture. There can simply be no denying that the line “age can not wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety” was meant to describe Madonna, or that the command to “give thy thoughts no tongue” was written by someone who just knew that someday, somehow, there would be a Donald Trump.

Still not a believer? Consider the examples below and you’ll be forced to concede that the only question is whether the “wretched soul, bruised with adversity” is Courtney Love or Andy Dick.

“I understand a fury in your words, but not the words.”
50 Cent

“Journey’s end in lover’s meeting.”
Jude Law

“The nature of bad news infects the teller.”
Karl Rove

“Kiss me Kate, we will be married o’Sunday.”
Tom Cruise

“Deny thy father and refuse thy name.”
Lindsay Lohan

“The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the Countercheck Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct.”
Robert Novak

“I pray you, do not fall in love with me, for I am falser than vows made in wine.”
Hillary Clinton

“This was the unkindest cut of all.”
Tara Reid

“Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.”
Brad Pitt

“Having nothing, nothing can he lose.”
Kevin Federline

“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!”
Michael Jackson

“The devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape.”
Naomi Campbell

“I am not a slut, though I thank the gods I am foul.”
Jessica Simpson

“Thou art the Mars of malcontents.”
Russell Crowe

“O! My fortunes have corrupted honest men.”
Mark Burnett

“Nothing will come of nothing.”
Bobby Brown

“He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.”
Michael Moore



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