Dressing Like a Vampire Rarely Effective, Study Reveals

BOSTON, MA - MIT released a paper today revealing that people who try to dress as vampires only look as cool as an extra from Buffy the Vampire Slayer "in very rare circumstances."

The report diagnosed several symptoms of gothic confusion - from the fact that the color black doesn't suit overweight people, to the seductiveness of a death-like pallor.

"Sure, I kinda dig on girls who look like they're passing through the early stages of rigor mortis," said one research subject, who didn't wish to be named. "I try to ignore the fact that my attraction to white porcelain beauties has any connection to the effect of gravity pulling blood to the bottom of a recently deceased corpse."

According to long-term goth Peter Raporche of Illinois, bad manners and a deliberately morose attitude are not easy habits to acquire for any middle-class youth in the United States. "Maintaining cold, disaffected indifference and a sour expression at all times is - to my mind - a complex representation of my contempt for the whole socio-political milieu as a whole," Mr Raporche told Brainsnap. "It's designed to be all encompassing; therefore it does have some failings in certain situations."

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