WINNING THE SUPER-SUCCESSFUL WAR ON TERROR

Moving forward, despite today's events, I have confidence in Britain's future. Why? Because unlike your age-old, swarthy enemies the Spanishese, you Limeys will not blink and promptly stage an electoral coup just because of a few measly transit bombs. And why not? Because your elections already happened!

And that means one thing: even if you're now too afraid to commute to work, you're still riding the USA Crusader Express for the foreseeable future. And as such, I'd like to offer five America-tested tips on how to make the coming months and years of post-terror living as productive and meaningful as possible:

1. Rally behind your suddenly non-poodly leader, and DO NOT QUESTION HIM.
2. Refrain from any and all analysis of events which are more complex than "THEY HATE FREEDOM."
3. Turn in droves to jingoistic, Rupert Murdoch-owned media outlets.
4. Smother your funny-looking Rovers and MGs and Minis with plenty of "We Will Not Forget" and "I Support..." ribbons.
5. Thirst for the blood of the oil-hoarding sand heathens.
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