eBay item 5551143555 (Ends Jan-25-05 17:42:15 PST) - I am selling my left nut to finance a tractor

The questions and answers for the seller are great on this auction(see end of auction page) . Since you have to be an eBay member (which I happen to be) to read them in their entirety, I logged in for you, our gentle Snarkybots, to enjoy. Mi cerebro es su cerebro, and all that jabber. Here's the full first batch of questions the questions for the guy auctioning it on the bottom of the eBay page, 51 in all. Some real gems.

***Go, left nut, go!***

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Q: Which nut are we talking about here? Isn't the left nut in the picture actually your right nut? We really don't need any ambibuity here - those are two very different nuts. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: The nut on the left in the pic is the one you're bidding on.
Q: Hey I just wanted to know whats so special about the right nut that your planning on keeping? Thats gotta be the one thats really worth something,ey? I might add that if you think your hurting NOW..Wait till somebody takes your nut..either one! Are you selling any family jewels? Yourbayman Answered on Jan-19-05
A: I wasn't planning on it. Thanks
Q: My parents are both nuts. Could your left nut be my brother? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Possibly, but I doubt it. Thanks
Q: I am reminded of the cartoon where the Planter's guy is wearing a raincoat. He flashes this girl, who then says to him, "What are you, some kind of sex nut?" And also, the old song about "Hitler, he only had one ball, . . ." etc. Perhaps you should go on late night TV with your nut. Any features planned in The Enquirer? If you got rid of both nuts, you could probably get elected to Congress. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Not a bad idea...Thanks
Q: Why not just buy a $50 post hole digger for the holes and burn that brush that you want to shred? You will build some muscle with the post hole digger! Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Well, for one thing I have one hundred acres of this stuff. I don't have enough time to dig that many holes. And for another, it's too dang dry where I'm at to be burning anything even in a hole. They have burn bans here to keep burning brush,trash,etc. from getting out of hand. Thanks
Q: the nuts look like beans, hahaha. this auction is a joke, right?!? who is going to actually buy a used old beat up nut. if i were you, would sell things in the house such as electronics, useless tools, etc. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: No, this auction is not a joke. It is very real. You never know who might buy it. People are buying air,water,old food,etc. This is actually something kinda useful. Plus, I use my electronics,and no tools are useless unless you don't know how to use them or have something to use them on. Thanks
Q: You mentioned earlier that both the left and right nuts have been off for awhile. How did you get them off? Is there video on the interwebs? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Read the answer to the last question. Thanks
Q: Does it come with a certificate of Authenticity? How long has it been "out of the can"? And does it come with a video of the removal procedure? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: I can make you a certificate of authenticity if you prefer one, and it's been out of the can so long, I've lost track of when it was actually removed. As for a video of the procedure...It was too traumatizing and I opted not to have it taped. Sorry
Q: It's no wonder you took out the right nut too.. that's a pointy one. I personally would like to know if these nuts are salted, or not. I prefer salted nuts, but I'm always game for a plain nut. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Yea, tell me about it. They were salty, but most of the salt has rubbed off.
Q: Could I just trade you for one of my Alaskan nuts? They are easily twice as big as a Texan nut and thats with shrinkage included. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: as stated earlier
Q: Could I just trade you for one of my Alaskan nuts? They are easily twice as big as a Texan nut and thats with shrinkage included. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: I don't know, ain't most of that insulation?
Q: I hate you and find you grossly annoying. If I win the auction, instead of getting the car, nut, etc. can I just slap you in the face instead? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: How bout NOOO
Q: Are you selling this nut with the approval of the Bean Wizard? Remember, bean and germs must never mate. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Crap, I'd better check this out...I'll get back to you.
Q: Why don't you just sell the car? You say you have a nice car. Where I come from a nice car will buy few tractors. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: No, I said I have a nice vehicle. I have to get to work to buy diesel if I get a tractor. The car I'm gonna give the winning bidder if they want it is not a nice one. In fact it's been a very, very bad car.
Q: Are these 100% "natural", or have they seen any steroid products? Also, could the left be exchanged for the right if found to be inadequate? Thanks! Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Oh they're natural alright, oh yea, they're natural...I really don't want to get into any nut swapping at this point in my life. Thanks, Michael
Q: You do realize that peanuts are really beans, not nuts, right? Although peanut farmers do use tractors. And one won a Nobel prize. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Is that why jelly beans look like peanuts? Tractors...that's the key
Q: Being a 'hands on' kinda guy I tend to play with my nuts a lot. Does your left nut play well with others? Would it take well to a threesome or would it likely stand at arms length, refusing to mingle with the other nuts? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Believe me , it can handle a threesome just fine. But why don't you just ask it if you bid on it and win. He'll be able to tell you his life's story then.
Q: Why does the blurry picture resemble two peanuts? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: I don't know, I haven't even give it a second thought.
Q: Why are they sitting there like that? HAve they already been taken off? If so, why are both of them there? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: They've been off for a while, Im showing both so that you can get a comparison of the two.
Q: What if I just came to your house, hit you over the head with a pipe, and stole the nut rather than bid on it? Would I still get the car? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Probably, but you wouldn't get the title to it.
Q: They say sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't. I guess in your case you don't. Hey if you get lots of bids let me know cause I know were there are two more Answered on Jan-19-05
A: If I get lots of bids on this nut, I know where there's a whole town full of them real close by.
Q: Hi! Does this nut come from a smoke free and pet free home? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Smoke free, but not pet free. But I can promise you that my dogs have not been near my nut.
Q: Is it true that everything is bigger in Texas? Is this nut abnormally large? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Well, true, things in Texas are bigger, but not abnormally larger.
Q: Are you aware that Drew Curtis is a God, and that you should not do anything to anger him lest ye receive his terrible wrath? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: I suppose so...sir
Q: Is it possible that between FARK and eBay your nut has crossed threads? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: anythings possible. But unlikely
Q: My good sir, this is the greatest pair of nuts I have ever laid my eyes upon. Are you certain you are willing to sacrifice one of these two magnificent specimens to some stranger all for the sake of a new tractor? Surely there must be some other option available to you. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Definetely. It will make the right one proud and have the force of two everytime I see or drive my new tractor.
Q: So lets say I put this nut on my chest... Would that be a chestnut? Lets say I put the nut on my wall... Would it then be a walnut? Finally, lets say I put this nut on my wifes chin? What would it be then? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: I'm not sure, but since I'm such a gentleman, you might have to ask her.
Q: have much for your nut sack too? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Let's not cross the line here folks, leave me somthing to work with...
Q: Have you ever seen a Squirrel with Large Nuts? Your answer may affect the outcome of your autction. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Hell, who hasn't?
Q: You're NUTS!!haha Answered on Jan-19-05
A: You know, I've been told that over and over, and I still don't believe it.
Q: Has anyone licked this nut yet? Or is it still fresh? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Licked, no....Worn from years of....yes.
Q: OK smarty pants, for the record, peanuts are neither peas, nor nuts. They are members (huh, huh... I said "member" that was cool) of the legume family. Therefore it is, in fact, a BEAN. So, in actuality, up for bid is actually your left bean. By the way Doughnuts are not nuts either. So don't try pulling that one either! Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Bean.....hm that explains alot. Also, don't doughnuts have holes...And if I try pulling anything, I might lose the other nut.
Q: Are you aware that peanuts are legumes, not nuts? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: as stated earlier.
Q: Are you aware that peanuts are legumes, not nuts? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Who's talking about peanuts. This is a "p" nut.
Q: Ok, I have to ask... is it a salty nut? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: You know, that's a good,fair question. Yes, at one time it was.
Q: Hi, just a few questions about your um, left nut. If I'm the high bidder, is it ok if I suck on your left nut? Are there any visitation rights to the right nut (being that they may get lonely)? Thanks.. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: You can do whatever you want after it gets to your home, and I probably don't wanna know what you do with it, and no, The right one will not be visited be the left after it has touched a stranger's hands. Sorry.
Q: How does your wife feel about you selling your nut for a tractor and if you get enough from this sale will you concider selling your other nut? How about a discounted price for the pair of nuts? Wayne S Answered on Jan-19-05
A: My wife thinks it's cool....Keeps me off her back. literally...I really would like to keep one though. So I have to actually ask for more if I sell both, and that's only if this one doesn't sell on ebay.
Q: Does it maybe have an image resembling Jesus, Elvis, the virgin Mary, Sam Houston, David Bowie or Slim Pickens on it? Please let me know ASAP because it takes a purdy good while to convert my IRA funds! Answered on Jan-19-05
A: The only images I can see on it are despair and lost hope. But I think I'm the only one who can see those images.
Q: If I won your nut, would you be offended if I dressed it up in a top hat and monicle and maybe...gave it a cane? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: Only if you make it sing "it's raining men"
Q: Is the nut you are trying to sell actually your left testicle? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: I like to call it the "left nut"
Q: What if I recieve it and find that it has already been busted? I love to bust a nut as much as the next guy so I would hate to find someone beat me to it. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: I can assure you that it has not been busted. And believe me, no one's been beating to this in a while.
Q: How do we know for sure its the left nut were getting? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: The left one has a small crack in it and the right one doesn't. But don't worry, so far it still watertight.
Q: Why don't you just sell fertilizer instead? You're so full of shit, it's obvious that you have more than you need. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: You know, that's not a bad idea. I'm sure pure grade a shit would do good on ebay looking back at what already has sold on here.
Q: Hmmm I've very intrested in your auction. However, I would like to have the right nut. Anyway you could substitute it? You see, I lost my right nut in a tragic accident. I still have my left one, and have no need for another. If you could possibly sell the right instead of the left, I would like to make a purchase. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: That's a good question, if you had two lefts, they might cancel each other out and you would have no nuts. I might consider selling the right one after this auction.
Q: I was thinkin of bidding but as I have been married....and Divorced 3 times I have no nuts left and was wondering if you would be willing to throw the right one in if the price was right? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: I'll tell you what, you bid on it and win, And i'll throw in a whole can of nuts..Been divorced myself, and was lucky to make it out with these.
Q: Have you played with it much? Other than, say, your doctor have other men had their hands on it much? Answered on Jan-19-05
A: other than to take these pics of it .....no
Q: Fire, huh. Tell me more about that fire. Was the house a total loss? The garage OK? Gotta have a garage to keep the tractor in. Answered on Jan-19-05
A: The house was not a total loss, but it probably would've been easier on us if it was. The interior and all of our contents were destroyed. It burned the first week of August 2004, and we just got back in on new year's eve. We still haven't even got all our money back yet to replace all our stuff. And, of course, we were notified by our ins. co. that as soon as the policy runs out, we are cancelled and will now have to get some new house ins. by july. We are paid up until then, and of course, they won't give us the balance and then cancel us. The two car garage is now a huge bedroom. We have a house full of foster children and we had t ogive up our master bedroom to the kids. BUT, I have a small shop where I do some mechanic work, small engine work, etc., and that's where the tractor will be kept.
Q: Once bought, what can i do with it? What are it's special powers? Answered on Jan-17-05
A: I guess you can do whatever you want with it. Once you bid on it, it's yours to have and hold, or whatever you so desire. It's special powers are yet to be discovered. I'm quite sure it has some sort of special powers, but since I have two, I figured I'd keep on and sell the other so someone else can experience the joy and amazement of finding out what those powers are. I'm sure it will have special powers that are unique to each individual user.
Q: would you want to sell the can or bag it came in.. i need a tobaccy humidor.. Answered on Jan-16-05
A: I might if you offered enough....around these parts we call a humidor a glovebox.....
Q: are you sure thats a texican nut.. must be all them storys of big things in texas is a myth Answered on Jan-16-05
A: It must be either the camera, or this dang Texas sun. It tends to dry things up pretty guickly. Besides it's been "out of the can" for quite a while, which could explain the shrinkage.
Q: wat kinda nut is it? Answered on Jan-15-05
A: It happens to be a "p" nut

(bagged from Fark)