LOSERSCOPES by Pam Heffernin @ CHICKENHEAD.COM:

I'm a Gemini, and let me tell you how spooky the accuracy of this is, plz comfort me, meesa crying in phear of teh Satanic stuff.

Gemini, you're the kind of sign that haphazardly throws together its future over a game of strip Trivial Pursuit and a pitcher of grape Kool-Aid and Everclear. So it seems appropriate that you took up shoplifting at the local A & P. And because you let the stock boy feel your nether regions, the whole of the store gives you the blind eye. Well, things will change when the new district manager figures out where all the missing T-bones have gone. And then you'd better watch out!"