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Saturday, December 31, 2005

12 Steps to Burning Down a House (and Alcoholics Anonymous comic from the 60's )

If you haven't burned down a house yet, you obviously aren't drinking enough.

Here are the 12 Steps to Burning Down a House (courtesy of your's truly, Monkeyman):

1) Shotgun a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
2) Hop around on one foot to test sobriety level. If you fall over, check for broken bones.
3) Drink 2 shots of whiskey. Don't be a sissy, straight shots are way cool.
4) Put on a big coat with lots of pockets, and load up with as many kinds of booze as you can possibly carry. If you sound like someone is shaking a chandelier when you walk, you are ready to rock it in the socket, Elvis.
5) Now that your buzz is really starting to kick in, think back over the previous year. Has anyone pissed you off something fierce? Are they on vacation? Sweet. Hop your drunk ass on a skateboard and head to their house.
6) Stop by a gas station and steal a gallon of gasoline. That's right, baby. You are about to go 'Carrie' on your mortal enemy's house, swiping some gasoline is small potatoes at this point. Do a couple of donuts on your board and chug some Jaegermeister before leaving gas station.
7) This step is optional, but if you need to urinate, nothing is cooler than whizzing while tick-tacking down the middle of the road on your sweet, sweet board. Waggle your weenie at anybody in a vehicle who looks surprised/disgusted/outraged. Don't be intimidated, they are just way jealous of your fly self.
8) Upon arriving at the soon-to-be-torched cottage of your foe, strike a piratey pose on the front lawn and swig some Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum like the true buccaneer that your are. Drink half the bottle, at this point everything is starting to blur quite nicely.
9) Oh hell. Did you pass out? Look around and see if anyone has noticed. Luckily for you, the geraniums provided great cover and concealment. Reward yourself with some wakey wakey nips of vodka.
10) Still got the gasoline you stole? Color yourself awesome! Now start splashing that shit around on your foe's domicile. Won't he be surprised when he gets back from Aruba? Oh yeah. Drink 2 beers if you are still able to remember why he or she pissed you off. If not, drink the beers anyway, before they get warm.
11) Matches are for babies, get 2 sticks and make like Tom Hanks in 'Castaway'. You can make fire, I'm sure of it! Drink some Southern Comfort if you start to get tired.
12) Ok. Let's leave the rubbing sticks to the natives. Since you are too drunk at this point to manage that, start doing axle grinds on the curb until you kick up enough sparks to set the house ablaze. Don't make Tony Hawk and the Baby Jesus cry, you can DO IT!

NOTE: Upon successful torchosity of the house, get your drunk ass OUT OF THERE, the 5-0 are sure to be on the way soon. Have a martini to wrap up the day's event, and be sure to take some pics with your cell phone to show to your friends. Your 'cool' stock is sure to rise, since they prolly just spent the day playing with their new X-Box 360 and/or looking at pr0n on the internets.

Alcoholics Anonymous comic from the 60's

the odk - o c t o p u s d r o p k i c k !

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