Everything Was Going Great Until I Told Her I Shit Myself

I knew I only had about a minute to find a bathroom, but unfortunately I was delivering some stinky Mexican food in a very residential neighborhood, and I didn't feel like I could just knock on someone's door and ask to use the shitter. Luckily, I could see some goalposts in the distance at what appeared to be a high school. I remembered that when I was in high school, the school was often unlocked during the summer for BOCES and the athletes. I booked it over to the high school, fearing an explosive loss of control at any moment.

I really can't convery to you just how powerful this force inside me was becoming. Words just can't describe it. Upon arrival, I threw open my car door and made haste towards the front of the school, running like a crazed duck. All I found were double locked doors. I ran back to the car where I remembered I had a bed sheet under my bicycle, grabbed the sheet and ran behind the high school. I ripped off my shorts and underwear and took a big nasty dump standing up, with fruit flies biting my ass like I was a horse in a barn. I stood over my big corny puddle of shit, only half-noticing that I had gotten some into the back of my Birkenstocks.

I proceeded to wipe myself with the bed sheet using the four-corners method, put my shorts back on and delivered the Mexican food with shit all over me. I bet whoever found the shit thought a dog did it, but when they saw the sheet they realized, 'Hey, dogs don't wipe their asses.'"--