Things To Tell Your Children

It is agreed by most that in raising a child the child should be subjected to a certain amount of confusion, paradoxical logic, and paranoid fantasy. This can only result in a broader range of influence for the child. Below are some techniques for planting the seeds of a healthy character in your child's mind at an early age.


When the child misbehaves: "Somebody here is going to get a spanking - and it's not going to be you!"

Tell them that when we die we go to a little room with blue walls and sit down quietly on a chair forever.

Tell them that babies are made by dentists. Describe a complex process involving tooth extraction and atomic energy.

Always keep your child guessing as to whether they're really your child. "Am I going to have to do to you what I did with your real parents?"

Never let your child see you sleep. Tell them that grown-ups don't sleep.

Choose an arbitrary word, "lipstick" for example. Write the word down for them. Tell them that if they ever say that word aloud, you will die.

Tell them that when you were young, skin had not yet been invented.
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